It's about time I write about this.
Everyone has been profoundly impacted by the pandemic. Many students online and even in-person have shared their sides of the story. Let me share mine.
One of the hugest, most impactful aspects of the pandemic is quarantine. Some people have felt anxious and depressed as connection has gradually faded out. After all, social distancing is not the same as socializing, and that is a legitimate, insightful perspective.
However, I am going to be honest with you guys: I actually enjoyed quarantine. I, a teenager, a student, enjoyed quarantine!
I am not saying that quarantine and COVID-19 was completely beneficial. I do admit that things that used to be meaningful to me before the pandemic feel so meaningless now, but I have to admit that quarantine was a truly enjoyable, eye-opening period that helped me academically, intellectually, and introspectively. Being able to self-direct my intellectual journey with online schooling and spend more time thinking about my own needs was so incredible! The reason why I was even able to create this website, write some of my books, and get ahead in school was because of---guess what? THE CORONAVIRUS!
Amazing, right?
Well, society begs to differ.
Naturally, everyone wants to socialize again and return back to in-person activities. This is not necessarily wrong in itself; I do understand that there are hundreds of kids my age, including fellow classmates, who actually need in-person connection to thrive, and that is totally understandable!
It's just feels so isolating to be consciously aware that I am among a few people who actually enjoy working from home and spending some time to myself.
Here is how it all started: during my seventh grade school year, I had to transfer to a middle school that could flexibly and competently offer online classes during the pandemic. At first, I was fearful about this transition, because I thought I had already started a life in my old middle school, and now that life was being taken away. However, as I immersed myself in this new online setting, I began to ask myself: how much did I really know about myself? How much did I really know? My school, with Zoom classes two days a week and self-directed learning and assignment submissions during the other three weekdays, was so flexible, so invigorating, and so astoundingly self-reflective and self-directed. There were weekly one-on-one mentor meetings intended to support each student individually. There was a wonderful software where I could set and schedule weekly goals on for all of my assignments; watching each goal on the software fade from a neutral blue to a vibrant green felt so validating! Even the Zoom meetings were beneficial---you could participate by unmuting your microphone or by writing through the chat, and while the Zoom meetings did require some interaction, the discussions and participation at the time were pretty balanced---you could still answer questions and interact with your peers, but you also had opportunities to think for yourself and direct your educational journey. There was even a self-directed learning (SDL) Zoom period (sort of like "Study Hall" for in-person school) where you could work on some leftover goals and assignments you had not yet completed during or before the Zoom class meetings. Plus, I did not have to waste half an hour on commuting, and I was able to spend more time with my family now that we all got to work from home. That first half of my seventh grade year was actually not bad! There were still some frustrations with adjusting to the online setting and using the software, but other than that, it was quite beneficial. Quarantine was not so bad after all!
But then came the second half of my seventh grade year. Of course, the majority of parents wanted their kids to socialize again. Everyone wanted to socialize. That's where everything started going downhill. After a few months into the school year, my SDL teacher informed my classmates and I that we would have three days instead of two days of Zoom class from now on and the SDL period would be replaced with extra time on regular Zoom classes. That way, in-person students could be accommodated and us online students could used to the (UGH) regular pre-pandemic in-person system with three in-person days and two online days. Everyone was just so excited to socialize again. I remember seeing my math teacher's Zoom camera directed toward all the students in-person. They looked so happy, as if everything was normal. With their computers and math packets neatly stacked in front of their desks, the students attentively watched the teacher. Some students even walked to the white board to detail there mathematical explanations! So many parents, teachers, and students enjoyed going back to normal. But that's the thing: quarantine, for me, was my new normal.
Why did nobody else understand that?
Everyone else on the other side of my computer was thriving. I was dying.
There was less time for the self-reflection and self-directed learning I so dearly enjoyed, as extended Zoom meetings enveloped my schedule. There was definitely more group work and group discussion crammed into the second half of my seventh grade year---Zoom interaction did not feel as balanced as it previously felt. My creative flow felt so hindered due to all the group activities we had to do. Being able to work ahead in school suddenly didn't matter---you still had to blend into the classroom and work at the pace of your fellow peers. The assignments on the software were no longer appealing to me. They just felt so bland and pointless. I started procrastinating. Even goal setting on the software platform felt so meaningless---that vibrant green did not feel so vibrant anymore.
What was also super inconvenient was that the self-directed day that my school replaced with Zoom classes was actually the day I was most productive with my assignment submissions!
Just seeing the world crave for socialization and normalcy made (and still makes) me feel so alienated and displaced. It's a scary world knowing that people became depressed and suicidal about lack of connectivity while I was thriving. It's like the world is working against me---like I am an outcast.
Taylor Swift's "Anti-hero" perfectly shows how I feel:
"It's me, hi! I'm the problem, it's me!
At teatime, everyone agrees."
Indeed, it does feel like at teatime, everyone really would agree. I might as well be the problem.
Thankfully, I am in an online high school setting that is not as bad as the setting was back in my seventh grade year, but I am still aware that everyone yearns for and applauds normalcy and in-person settings.
It's funny how while most people were saddened by quarantine, I was saddened by things going back to normal. People who seek that normalcy have every right to have it---they deserve it!
I just wish people felt the same way about me. I do understand some of the emphasis on socialization; every person, even the most introverted in society, needs some connection, but it's just feels as if society only endorses one form of life: in-person socialization. I know that in-person socialization does have its advantages. In fact, I do go to my school campus to do extracurricular activities like school clubs. It still feels so isolating, though.
To this day, I still have no idea how I am surviving not the pandemic, but the people surrounding it. I have never gotten the virus, nor has the virus itself actually scared me. It's just being a part of society in general. I know that there will be things in the world you are destined to disagree with. That's just how life works. If only it weren't so suffocating.
If you have felt any of these thoughts conveyed in this article, you are not alone. I'm so sick and tired of living with this---I am pretty sure you all are sick and tired of this, too. If you know how to survive this alienation, do tell us. We need your help.
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