2023 UPDATE: I have decided to leave this blog post unedited and unremoved, for historical purposes, and I have kept the fifth influence on my GR profile as a joke. 😉However, I no longer hold the opinions expressed in this article. While this article was meant to be one of my sillier posts, I do understand why it comes off as being very narcissistic, and while I would like to put my name and ideas out there, I no longer agree with my all-cap statement "I WANT TO BE FAMOUS." You can still read this blog post if you want to learn about the *annoying brat* I was then, but I do not feel proud of this article. My apologies for the inconvenience and for the arrogance and ignorance I manifested in this post.
On a Goodreads author profile, an author is given the option to write down their influences. There are many beloved, inspiring, and genius authors I look up to, such as Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, J.K. Rowling, and William Shakespeare. That makes four influences. Then, there is my fifth influence:
As you can see, my fifth influence is myself! You may be thinking that I am egocentric, and I do admit that assuming influence can make me more susceptible to being arrogant, but there is something beyond pure egocentricity. Part of adding myself was intended to be a practical joke, as implied by the lol, but in addition to comedy and irony, there is also the desire to be known, and my deep introspection throughout the past few months that motivate me to keep myself as an influence on Goodreads.
Let's face it: I WANT TO BE FAMOUS! My "Nice to Meet You" page in this website states that I am a Ravenclaw who wants to be famous for intellectual discoveries, polymathy, and contributions to equality. The song "Never Going Back" by The Score illustrates what it's like to live with the desire to be famous:
"Shrug us off our shoulders, we don't do what they told us
So I don't wanna be another face in the crowd
So I can't slow it down, no...
They write us off and say it's just another opinion
And I'm tired of trying to fit in when I'm one in a million..."
I admit, the last line may make me sound arrogant, and I genuinely don't want to be perceived that way, since my self-confidence and courage has actually been dwindling lately. However, I still think that I am highly capable, and I believe I have so much to offer to this world. Sure, I could take the traditional route: try to get a 4.0 GPA, fill my future high school schedule with extracurricular activities, do what my teachers want me to do, try to impress an admissions officer so I could go to a prestigious college, graduate that college, get a job. There is nothing wrong with going down the traditional route, and often, it is the most practical route to go, but I am so tired of being another face in the crowd. I don't want to blend into a high school, where high school students are viewed as, well, high school students. I am so tired of being invisible when I know I have so many insights and talents to offer to this society. So what? I might have stayed up a few nights thinking about what I want to do in life. I could follow the crowd, but I want to establish myself as an independent thinker and influential individual, not just another data point on the U.S. Census, or another student whose test scores can be used as clout to make a school look good! It's just like the Alexander Hamilton musical:
"JUST YOU WAIT!"
I know that a teenage girl who likes black t-shirts and wants purple hair and blue nails may not appear to be a candidate for fame, but even though I am not very well-known, I still believe I have a lot of potential. Just you wait. One moment, you may wonder why this stupid teenager is saying this blurb, but the next moment, hypothetically, you may come to realize that even though I am still human and flawed in many, many ways, I have well-defined ambitions, and I have a lot to offer. Just, hypothetically, at least.
Adding myself as an inspiration was actually an objective way of how I feel about myself. I have spent time in introspection, and pondering methods to assess myself. It has all amounted to seemingly bragging about myself. Now, I am a Christian, and the Bible says that you should not tell lies, so by adding myself as an inspiration, I was technically not lying, because I actually do feel inspired by myself. I cannot just lie about that. The Bible also talks about humility, so any Christian who might try to poke holes in here should be assured that I was not intending to brag. I just intended to objectively and honestly write down who I was inspired by, and it ends up that my strongest inspiration is myself, and I know that I cannot just lie to myself and avoid this truth about who I am.
You see, recently, my website had a visitor. I checked the stats, and the traffic was one visitor. Who was that visitor? Me. What about those views on my blog posts? Those were my views. Although I switched devices and used different accounts, I was and am, at this moment, the only person who viewed my own website and blog posts. I am the only one who is aware of what I can do. No one else. Therefore, I cannot help but be inspired by myself, because I know about my own capabilities, and guess what? I love myself. The fact that I am still little known is a bit hard to face, so to cope, I do have to look up to myself and love myself.
Additionally, my introverted sentiments have made a small contribution to this. In my "Nice to Meet You" page, I wrote, "I tend to act extroverted but think in an introverted way." I can communicate confidently and convivially, but on the inside, although I may enjoy the conversation, I would still like some privacy and independence. I'll admit--I am weary of meeting new people (in person, face-to-face on a Zoom or Skype call, or pretty much during any time when I have to verbally communicate to them, like through a phone call), and I dread group work assignments/activities so vehemently. For time's sake, I will save reasons for being introverted for another blog post (I send notifications on Goodreads about new writing). Anyways, my introversion does cause me to reflect on myself more, so it gives me more incentive to view myself as an influence to my own work.
I don't want to be buried in the crowd, and I don't want to drown all my thoughts about the meaning of my life. I have got so much to present to this world, and I have decided to think for myself. This is why I am my fifth influence.
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