Sometimes, this world talks too much. It really needs some alone time.
In The Deep Story Behind My Fifth Influence, I mentioned how my introverted mindset contributed to being inspired by the fifth influence listed on my Goodreads profile. I never discussed why I was introverted in this blog post, so this one is dedicated to my reasons behind being introverted.
For clarification and review: As I have mentioned in both the blog posts and the "Welcome" screen of my website, I act like an extrovert, but think like an introvert. This means that I can talk in a confident and vivacious manner, and I can be a leader, but while doing this, I can eye the exit, or simply just look forward to a little time on my own.
Anyways, my need to think and reflect before speaking, my weariness of meeting new people, and my desire to be independent are the three factors that contribute to my introverted thinking.
Putting it into perspective, texting and writing is much easier than having to conduct verbal communication with someone. When I type in a comment, an update, or a blog on Goodreads, I can always read over it a couple of times and edit it, in case there are some words that don't fully encapsulate my thoughts or some phrases that might cause misconceptions about myself or my writing. This also applies with essays and books; when I try to discuss my insights, I prefer to write them down, because writing allows me to reflect more extensively, hence allowing me to organize my thoughts more methodically and coherently. Plus, like with blogging or texting, I can always read over a book or essay in order to fix any grammatical, lexical, organizational, or conceptual errors.
However, these wonderful benefits do not always apply much with oral communication. When you are talking to someone, you don't always have the time to organize your thoughts, think about what you want to say, and fix your thoughts before saying (or "posting") them. Since this is oral communication, you have to speak within seconds. Otherwise, you might keep your peer waiting. You sort of have to be super spontaneous and adaptable. I definitely find myself believing that my writing is more eloquent than my speech. In informal conversations, or even in more formal settings, such as school conferences, there are always times when I end up stuttering or using academically incorrect language. My teachers and peers still compliment me on being an effective communicator nonetheless, but I am just highly aware that my words may be inaccurate, or my communication would have been much more effective if it had been done through writing than through spontaneous and oral communication. I might say something that doesn't fully and/or accurately communicate my views. This is one key reason why I have an introverted mindset. I just want to reflect, but it is hard to do this. I understand that quick, effective conversational skills are important, but it is kind of frustrating to have to do this kind of stuff. You could have been reflecting, and yet all you can do is talk, talk, talk!
Many extroverts have this amazing superpower of being energized by social gatherings and new people. That is definitely not me! Even though I can be a good communicator, I dread meeting new people. I am in 8th grade and will soon be advancing to high school, but I still hate first days of school. To me, they are nothing more than huge gatherings of strangers wearing backpacks. Why do I feel this way? Well, when it comes to meeting new people, you are just a blank screen. No one knows who you are or what you have accomplished. It's already enough to be under a blanket of anonymity, but here is the thing that I am weary of: misconceptions. When someone just begins to meet you, the first thing you do, or the first trait you expose, can be what they remember. For instance, if they see you cooking on the first day they meet you, they'll remember you for being a good cook. This is not a wrong thing (cooking is a useful skill), but suppose you want to be remembered for your rapping skills? You take more pride in rapping than cooking. However, since a person is just meeting you, it makes sense for them to try to carefully analyze what they first see, and since they first see cooking skills, they may be quite oblivious to rapping skills, especially since it's the first day, when you only have so much time to reveal who you are.
An even worse situation can be this: you get a 60% on a science test, and there is a stranger looking over your shoulder. You might generally demonstrate a lot of scientific expertise, and it could have just been that one test that you failed. However, for practical reasons, that stranger may not see that. All they can see is the one test you failed, instead of the countless tests you succeeded in.
I know that the first time you meet a stranger does not define how a stranger will view you on the long-run. That's just basic statistics! Still, I take note of how easy it can be for a person to try to quote-unquote "assess" you, so trying to discover and deduce everything on the first day makes sense. The first days can be difficult to get over.
Finally, there is independence. I strongly embrace independence. If I had to get into any sort of relationship in which someone deprives me of independence, I would be shocked and immediately try to end the relationship. I would end any relationship that deprived me of independence.
Any relationship.
You see? I connect the possibility* of losing independence to relationships.
There is definitely a lot to look forward to in many relationships and forms of social interaction, but community, not individuality, does begin to matter more in stuff like that. It is not wrong. Civic virtue was made for a reason. I just notice how you have to start caring what others think, so they won't get offended, etc., etc., and you'll have to start serving others. Once again, this is not wrong, but if you think of it, alone time might contain more independence than social interaction and relationships. An example of this is group work in school. As an introvert, I often dread group work, especially when the group work assignment is graded.
When it comes to working in a group, you have to be dependent on your colleagues, especially when roles are delegated. I know what you are thinking:
"It builds trust."
"It builds teamwork."
"It will develop humility." "It will help you later on in life."
Those insights probably are true, but it's difficult to have to depend on others, instead of thinking about everything independently. I mean, if you are only delegated a single role, you would only specialize in that one role! You cannot assess and exercise your own skills in other things. Additionally, you can't make all the decisions, because you are in a group. The decisions would be made by the leader or by the collective choice of others. Individuality and independence is practically invisible in a group project.
Lack of time for reflection, fear of being incorrectly perceived, and love of independence are reasons why I think in an introverted way. In a world that values extroverted thinking (it sometimes seems as if the world is designed by extroverts for extroverts), these concerns may seem odd, and while I can act extroverted to adapt, I want my introverted thoughts to be heard.
*I used the term possibility, just so I wouldn't sound hateful of relationships. I know that there are some powerful relationships involving mutual respect and independence, so I only believe that it is possible for independence to be loss, not inevitable.
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